How it started

My pPROM story started one day shy of 17 weeks; I woke up feeling like I was having another bleed which wasn't too unusual (see "complications before pPROM). I went to the bathroom and felt a large gush, again not too unusual but it had been awhile since my last bleed so I was a little surprised. I went to flush but didn't see any blood so I knew something was wrong. I didn't have a clue what it felt like to have your water break but assumed it was a little bit like that. It was 4 am so there wasn't much I could do but go back to bed and plan to call my doctor in the morning. We made an appointment first thing, and during the ultra sound we saw that little beating heart. We were so relieved I couldn't believe it, but once we met with the midwife she told us that my water had broken. She referred us to a perinatologist, but told us I should expect to go into labor within the next few days or weeks. We were heart broken, but went to see the perinatologist hoping there might be something they could do. Their ultra sound equipment was incredible, even with out the water they were able to see the baby's little tiny organs and kept talking about how perfectly healthy the baby was. I just sobbed the entire time, it wasn't fair that this poor baby was perfectly healthy. The only problem was my water broke too early and we didn't even know why. I wanted to scream at the tech for showing me how perfect the Kidney's were and that everything looked great. Why was she even bothering? There was no hope for this baby, so why torture me with showing me the tiny fingers and toes wiggling as if nothing was wrong? Looking back now I am so glad she did, regardless of how things turn out I will cherish any time I got to see her. I told the tech we hadn't found out what we were having and I just couldn't handle finding out right now so she said it would be in her report when we were ready. Unfortunately when we saw the doctor she they told us the same thing the midwife had; we could wait to go into labor naturally, get induced once the heart stopped or terminate the pregnancy. At first the thought of going full term with a baby that had a 0% chance of survival seemed unbearable; but we decided to wait it out and let things happen naturally. 

We fully anticipated that I would go into labor over the weekend, so we packed a bag and waited. We were told to look into funeral services so that the hospital would be ready and aware of our situation when the time came. I thanked them but just couldn't do it, I was supposed to be looking forward to my baby shower not planning a funeral. What kind of service would that even be? No one knew this baby, we hadn't even found out if it was a boy or girl yet! Our appointment for that was supposed to be just a week away. I had been counting down the days for weeks, now I couldn't tell if I wanted to know. I figured eventually I would want to know but still couldn't handle it just yet. 

Once Monday came around we went back for another ultra sound and saw a strong heartbeat. We felt so conflicted, we wanted to be excited that our baby was still alive but without hope of the baby surviving what difference did it make? We started to pray we wouldn't find a heart beat so that it would all just be over and we wouldn't have to wait for the inevitable anymore. Of course then there's the horrible realization that in a way you are praying for this baby that you love and prayed for to die. It was all just too much. We went back every week to see if the baby's heart had stopped and if we could be induced. Each appointment was heart breaking, it was impossible to cope with the idea that in some ways we didn't want to find a heart beat. As the weeks went by I got lots of incredibly helpful information from women in a forum for high risk pregnancies. One woman directed me to a site where other women shared their pPROM stories based on when their water broke and when they went into labor. I began reading stories of miracle babies who were carried to 24 weeks and beyond who were actually taken home and were perfectly healthy years later! Of course there were the cases when the baby didn't survive but there were still many miraculous success stories. Three weeks after my water broke we went in for our next appointment and saw a strong heart beat but no fluid. It was a bitter sweet moment, we had made it further than anyone anticipated, still had a strong heartbeat and a growing baby. I brought the success stories up to my doctor and we decided to plan for me making it 24 weeks. At that point the baby would be considered viable, I could start steroid injections to help the lungs develop and hopefully carry the baby to 34 weeks. During this appointment we also decided to look at the report and see that we were having a girl. We decided to name her Selah (Say-la), it is a biblical name that means "to pause and praise him." Even when everything was so hopeless we felt peace and comfort and knew that God would use this experience to draw my husband and I closer.* 

At 21 weeks we had another ultra sound and there was a 2.8 cm pocket of fluid! We were ecstatic, over the next two weeks the fluid went down to 2.0 and then to 1.2 but I am hopeful that with bed rest and staying hydrated I can build it back up. Tomorrow I will be at 23 + 5 weeks. That is when I will get the first set of steroid injections and will be admitted to the hospital on Friday. The plan is that I will be induced at 34 weeks, assuming I haven't gone into labor before then (fingers crossed). So I will continue to use this blog for updates and to keep myself busy during the next 10 long weeks at the hospital. 

*As you will see in later posts at 25 weeks we learned that it was no longer Selah we were waiting for but Milo! It was too late to change the URL for this site so we decided to just leave it as is. So to clear up any confusion, the first two posts were written under the assumption it was Selah's story but was later changed to Milo's.