Milo is still doing wonderful. He has been off the breathing tube for awhile now. He was first put on a traditional ventilator and is now on cpap (cpap uses pressure to keep his lungs open to make it easier on him when he takes a breath). We have gotten to kangaroo with him a few times (hold him to our chest skin to skin) and it has been the absolute best. Even though he is doing so well there are difficult days. I struggle with how unnatural this whole ordeal is. I don't always feel like I "have" a baby. Yes I gave birth to a baby but I don't have him. The hospital has him and I get to visit. The staff is incredibly friendly and encourages us to take part in his care; but I still get frustrated with the feeling of having to make an appointment to hold my baby. I've only held him twice for about and hour and a half each time, and while I understand how blessed I am for that opportunity, it still isn't enough. It is the highlight of my day and I am devastated when my "appointment" is cancelled. It is always cancelled with good reason, but it hurts all the same. My baby boy is nearly two weeks old and the most I do is touch his head or stare at the blanket covering his isollette while he sleeps.
Earlier today I was taking a nap and my husband came in and was making some noise. I was half awake half asleep and saw milo laying next to me making a face showing he was upset. I then rolled over to ask what my husband was doing and was about to tell him to be quiet or he would wake up milo. I then realized it was a dream and milo wasn't there.
That incident in addition to reading various articles and books about the importance of early bonding with your new born has left me feeling so distant from Milo. For now I just keep praying he continues to do well so he can come home and make this all a distant memory.
he is handsome and wonderful and i am SO SO SO glad to hear he is doing well.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry you are having a tough time. i can imagine how hard it would be not to be able to snuggle with milo. i hope that you are able to hold him and care for him more and more as time passes. i know my big boy loves to hear stories of "when he was born" or "when he was little"... perhaps you could take a little time to write stories for him about your pregnancy or his care in the nicu, to read to him when he is big? such as "your nurse, so-and-so, said this about you..." or "your doctor was so happy when..." "the first time daddy got to hold you..."
also, smell is a powerful memory-inducer. i'm not sure about nicu rules, but maybe you could leave something near him that smells like you and take home something that smells like him to sleep with and be close to?
Thank you for the great idea, I do need to be writing more things down. So much changes every single day that its easy to forget a few things. We do get to wear little pieces of cloth while we visit with him and then put it in his isolette once we leave. He seems to like them a lot but I hadnt thought of taking something home that smells like him, I will ask and see what they can do :)
DeleteI am so sorry you are feeling down... But I cannot explain how happy I am for you guys that milo is doing well! I ppromd at 17 weeks ish, was on home bed rest until 24 weeks and have been on hospital bed rest since 24... I am 31 weeks now and your story gives me so much hope as everything u went through is very similar to what we have been through! Hang in there mama!
ReplyDeleteWow making it to 31 weeks is amazing, great job!! The bed rest is killer but SOO worth it :) I hope everything continues to go well for you and your little one!!
DeleteIt's so hard to deal with postpartum hormone levels even when baby is born full term and everything is as perfect as possible. I can't imagine trying to process all of the emotions and challenges of having a baby in NICU while recovering from major surgery and with your hormones still in flux. You are a strong mama and a good mama! Praying for your sweet Milo and his sweet Mama and Daddy.---sunnydawn
ReplyDeleteJess, It's the funny Mezzio... trying to make you smile, because thats what I try to do best as a "big sister"... So I only have two words for you....
ReplyDeleteBarrow Mickey!!
I know its hard, you have gone through so much, and we are all keeping you, John and little Milo in our prayers. Between everything that has happened, it should show you just how tough your son is, and just how tough YOU are! This will be over before you know it. Chin up missy! You are jessica, you NEVER give up, at least not in a years I've known you! The Mezzio family is here for you whenever you need us. !
Love you! If you need anything let me know, I deleted facebook, so you will have to call or text!
Hahaha thanks, it is so nice to have such a large support group, it makes a world of difference on the harder days. The 7 weeks I spent in the hospital flew by so I am hoping Milo's stay will be the same way :)
DeleteAnd taking to your sister about Mickey definitely helps, I can't wait to go visit him!!
Hi Jess & John,
ReplyDeleteI saw your story on tcoyf. I'm a very old member from there and just started getting back on the forums this week, as I'm pregnant again w/baby number 3. Our first was a 29 weeker, smaller than your little man. I know it feels so foreign, so much like "they" own him and instead of him being your baby. It helped me to remember that they were growing him for me then, like a surrogate mama. Henry came home when he was 38 days old. We ended up nursing for several years (took a few years to talk him out of it! LOL) We are very close. We bonded just fine. Henry will be 8 years old in August. I did grieve over what we lost, all that time, the special birth we planned, being a NICU parent, having to share him...all those things that you are probably feeling right now. I had dreams that he was "stolen" from me--I'd wake up panicked at night and crying out for him. It took a few years, a few birthdays, for that to pass for me especially. My husband took it more in stride-he was just so grateful we were both okay. Hugs to you and your family...and to your sweet, tough little boy. Your family is going to come out on the other side of this and you'll be more able to see in yourself the wonderful mama to him that you've been all along. Take care of yourselves. Meg from tcoyf
Thank you so much, it helps to hear from other people who have been through this same situation. 2 months in the NICU seems liek forever but then I meet other women whose babies have already been there for over 100 days and then 8 weeks doesn't seem so bad. I really feel for those poor mothers, we are so blessed that I occasionally feel guilty for even complaining. It is hard but like you said it will soon pass and he will be home before we know it and it will just be a distant memory. Thank you for the encouraging words, its nice to hear that you and your son had no trouble bonding even after being separated for the first few weeks.
DeleteI can't imagine the feelings you experience as you drive to and from the hospital, make appointments to see him, are so limited when you do see him. But I do pray for the day when you put him in the car seat, strap him in, and drive 10 miles an hour all the way home! Opening the front door, and finally starting the next chapter in ya'lls lives! I pray for that day, I know God has appointed that day for ya'll, and I pray that God will continue to sustain you as you make it closer and closer. Hooray for everyday of strength! Hooray for being off the breathing tube! All three of you have come so far! What a testimony, and by a PPs comments, you have already given such hope during a tough time! ((HUGS)) to ya'll! karen
ReplyDeleteHahaha thanks Karen, I do dream about the day we bring the carseat to the NICU with us and strap him in and drive home. It makes it easier to focus on the achievements each day brings like being off the breathing tube and gaining an extra few ounces. It makes me feel like we are one more step closer to coming home :)
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